I have no words…

You know, this is something I’ve thought about doing, but it has just never been something I’ve seriously considered. Perhaps it’s because I’m convinced my mother read my diary when I was a kid and I could never have anything that was completely creatively “mine.” Or maybe it’s because I’m a lazy piece of shit. That’s probably closer.

My life is not something that’s particularly interesting, at least not to me. I am a grandchild of four amazing immigrants who all did amazing things – in both their homeland and here in the United States. As I look at my 30 years here, I begin to wonder – am I really just as bad as every other millennial dipshit out there? And you know what – I think I’m getting pretty close.

I don’t know what I’d like to do. I know what I’ve done and where I’ve been, but I’m not sure what gets me to the big M. Motivated. Sitting here is probably a good start.

I’ve worked in some offices, I’ve worked in sports, and I’ve worked in retail. Things in my life start out pretty hot and heavy, and without a doubt they just cool off. I get so pumped about landing a gig – something I “want” something I “care” about for the long haul. Something I can see myself getting into, getting deeper making my career out of this THING. Then all of a sudden, POOF. The magic fades, I get bored, I get frustrated, and I just want to not go. Where does this burnout come from? Is that even what this is? Who’s got that magic thought that I can actually find a place that I want to go to each and every day? Does that exist for people?

Side note: I have no idea what blog people want to read – I’m just shooting the shit for myself. Maybe I’ll use this as something I can do on a regular basis to just chill. If you love it – good for you, if not, I’m not sure there’s anything I’ll be doing to change that. These are just the thoughts that come to my head – I sure as hell am not going to be editing this crap.

I went through a period where I thought – all I want to do is be on a court or a field. All day long, I’m just going to coach and live and work and it’s going to be wonderful. There’s more to this story and maybe we’ll get into it another day, but for now let’s just say I don’t wish that for myself anymore. At least not in the way I used to.

The latest muse and source of happy was the outdoors. Hiking, camping, backpacking. All that good nature stuff. Went on the Wonderland Trail this summer – amazing. Super fucking hard – but amazing. The picture above is from that trip. I’m not sure if I wanted to do hiking for me – or to be able to share these beautiful photos. Or to say I’ve done some cool shit. Either way, it took two months before I went on a hike after the Wonderland, and to be completely honest – it’s been 2.5 and I haven’t truly hiked more than 2 miles. And I’m wondering – this is something I felt so awesome doing – is that drive going to come back? I mean – I went camping this weekend and all I ended up wanting to do was get stoned and eat and drink. Nothing wrong with that, but where did the motivation go?

So here I am – someone that makes jokes, has a supportive family, has love, has a home and car, lists of shit to do, and all I find myself doing on this quasi-sunny day, getting stoned, binge watching tv, and eating leftover rice. So here I say it – raise your hand if you know how to get your shit together. Send me some good vibes and I try to figure it out.

 

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